Useful Phrases

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

4. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a freaking people person?

7. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

10. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

11. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

12. You! Off my planet!

13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

14. Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control.

15. Bottomless pit of needs and wants.

16. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!

18. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

20. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

21. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

22. Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

23. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality!

24. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

25. Back off! You're standing in my aura.

26. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

28. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...

29. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

30. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

31. Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth.

32. Allow me to introduce my selves.

33. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

34. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

35. Better living through denial.

36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

37. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

38. Adult child of alien invaders.

39. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

40. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

41. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

42. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

43. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

44. And which dwarf are you?

45. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

46. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

47. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

48. It ain't the size, it's ... no, it's the size.

49. Meandering to a different drummer.

50. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

51. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

52. Adults are just kids who owe money.

53. One of us is thinking about sex ... OK, it's me.

54. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

55. Everything I need to know about life I learned by killing smart people and eating their brains.

56. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

57. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

58. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

59. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

60. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

61. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

62. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.

63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

64. Not all people are annoying. Some are dead.

65. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

66. Chaos, panic, and disorder -- my work here is done.

67. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

68. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

69. You look like crap. Is that the style now?

70. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

71. Earth is full. Go home.

72. Is it time for your medication or mine?

73. I plead contemporary insanity.

74. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

75. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, and nakedness.

76. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

77. How about never? Does never work for you?

78. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

79. You sound reasonable ... Time to up my medication.

80. Are you a freaking ray of sunshine every day?

81. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

82. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

83. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

84. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

85. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

86. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

87. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."

88. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

89. This is a mean, cruel world and I want my nappy and medication right now.

90. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

91. Gene Police! Get out of the pool!

92. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

93. Thank you. We are all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

94. It sounds like English but I can't understand a word you are saying.

95. I like you ... you remind me of when I was young and stupid.

96. I am already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

97. I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce!

98. What am I? Fly paper for freaks?

99. Yes. I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

100. I'll try being nicer ... if you try being smarter.

101. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

102. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

103. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

104. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

105. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

106. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

107. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.